Breaking Pens
 Writing about feelings went out the window.
Just numbed down to the core.
Cant think of what to say.
like those 3 years you never felt.
Sweeping sounds like crows.
Stalk whats left of my ghost town.
Rip me a hole and pull me out.
Write me a song cuz ive forgotten how.

Goodnight Moon, Its Time for her Smile to shine my night sky...
 Well hey there! ha so hmm how do i start this off, i guess by explaining why do this and not in person. Well because first off youre too pretty to tell this to in person id pobably start forgetting all the things i had to say to you. Second well cuz idk for some reason i can sorta explain myself in writing. Whenever i had a great time or a shitty time with you i wrote all i did was write. i probably have a years worth of letters i wrote to you. anyway im getting distracted i want to tell you how im feeling how i was feeling and this way i cant see your face with the things i say. 

So starting from the beginning, the first day i saw you at PUC was like "WOW" shes different shes smart shes independent shes beautiful she knows where shes going. and thats what attracted me to you but yet later on pushed me away. I never told you something i was going up to PUC with the mindset that i was going to be dating another girl i had been talking to all summer. See this girl was great but you, YOU caught my eye without even trying. So i dropped everything for you, i knew i might hurt her but i couldnt live knowing i gave up the chance to hold you close to me. to talk to you all night. so i did, i did it. I knew that you had that "the one" feeling to you. haha you made me so nervous that i had to think about what i was gonna tell you before i saw you, and that still didn't work id stutter and i trip all over my words. I have no idea how you liked me. i lost my shit when you said yes to me. I probably looked calm but i wanted to fly like literally jump up and start flying, i can do that if you havent noticed. But yea life was great. you did what others couldnt do you built me up. you didnt take my "pitty stupid im sad" shit. You shook me, you told me i was great and sent me on my way. You helped me believe in myself. sadly right i shouldve solely worked on myself. But it just felt so easy. Well i mean after a while, you so sneakily, if thats even a word, broke into my heart i put up walls as big as my forehead. and yet you got there. with just being you, you took me away. the thing i didnt count was you had "baggage". i thought if it was so easy for her to get me to trust her then i bet itll be the same the other way around right? Wrong. Even though you might or might not admit it you were closed off to me. That independent side made me fall for you but now it was pushing me away. Well let me rephrase that, the idea in my head of you being independent pushed myself away. I felt it would be easy for you to leave me like nothing.. it was retarded i couldnt believe, i couldnt understand how a girl, soo smart, funny, charming, exciting beautiful like you could be interested in a guy like me so plain and bland..

Ultimately that was my problem. That was the problem that grew and grew in my head. I guess, okay no i dont guess i know, I am the kinda guy that needed to be shown how much i mean to that other person. And really you could never do that. you tried, i know you did. i saw it in you. But maybe not hard enough. I dont know if this is true but sometimes i thought in my head that whenever you felt like you were gonna open up to me or let me in or show me that you cared about me.... someone that hurt you came to your head and you just couldnt. 

You know i think i cant start with what went wrong without finishing about what went right. I need to tell you how i really feel/felt. it may be cheesy and lame but i really dont care. Hmmm how i could i put it. You were what ppl call my sunshine. You were my best friend that person i could be insanely weird and normal around. I mean life with you just seemed right. I felt that i was blind before now i could see. i mean like really see. with you the trees seemed greener, the birds sang prettier. i know i know cheesy but it was real with me. I closed my eyes at night with you on my mind and the first thing when i woke up. no i wasnt obsessed. I can truly and honestly say... i was in love. I never knew how that felt. i mean ive dated people before and thought they were awesome but you. You. I was terrified of the word love. i could never say it to anyone except my mom and she doesnt even care lol. but you i just knew idk lame right? i just knew i could say it. i mean when an ex told me that i went running. i just knew i loved you. of course i wasnt gonna tell you. you wouldve laughed at me or something.. To other people maybe this isnt a big deal. but it was to me. I'd lived alot of my life putting myself down and crushing me that i had forgotten how to feel. i felt blah numb dead.. when i saw i had nothing but smiling and ahhhh!!! you didnt make my heart skip a beat.. you made it go 60 million times faster. you made it feel like it was beating with yours. Lol i think id tell you how i felt too too much. haha i was just some guy deeply in love with his girlfriend with his best friend. i sometimes thought and think still.... i dont have to look anymore. why look around at other girls, if i found the best one of them all. haha my brother would show me this girl he thought was hot and i kept saying not as hot as monique lol i mean you were that person. i felt like i was on drugs when i was around you like nothing could bring me down. just simple sweet. 

Then we had that space. i dont even know why that happened you got to busy and i just let it go. I would run out of things to say and felt like our conversations turned awkward. and not that awkward that you know i love but just awkward! i would love when we'd sit with each other and not say anything it used to feel normal comfortable. but then things went down hill. i started hanging out with amanda... i think subconciously i was looking for someone to show me that love and care you really couldnt show me. but it didnt work.. she sorta showed me love but not yours it wasnt the same.. and then everything got outta control and you broke up with me.. it was horrible. id never wish that pain on anyone. i couldnt talk or move, you ran away crying and i couldnt do anything i tried yelling but my mouth wouldnt move. i tried walking away and i tripped. Got to be the darkest days of my life. it was the worst being in the same room as you and couldnt even touch you hold you kiss you talk to you.. you tlk to me. just even yelling at me at least thatd be talking to me or i could hear your voice. It hurt more to see you look at me.. you had this anger this hatred in you. like if you hated me. i died a little inside.. but you already know this..

What happened after the break was the interesting part. I may be wrong but in my eyes you changed. something happened you became this party girl like i knew you partied before but this was different. idk honestly i felt like lucy turned you into a bitch. and i hated her i mean i really really really really hated her. i hadnt hated anyone that much since my dad.. i felt she took you from me. i felt i lost you forever that the real you was gone. or that i never really met the real you and now i saw her. i really dont know what im saying here. This letter was supposed to help somehow. let everything out. after i knew i was okay to let it out. okay to open that part of my heart. but it just all sounds mixed up and horrible. Really the only thing to be said is you never really loved me or saw me the way i loved you. and i didnt understand that til later. and well it was to late to understand it. i realized the second time that i needed you to show me something.. some love.. some care.. ha i remember when i asked you how you felt about me the second time. you said " i still do care about you" idk the way you said it was like if you were just talking to a friend you were losing. just a friend. and to me you couldve never been just a friend. you were that girl. you were monique the girl who took my world and flipped it upside down. the girl who stole my heart and if she ever tried to give it back i wouldnt take it. because id say its not mine anymore because my heart is yours... what would i do with it couldnt give it to anyone else wasnt mine to give.. it belonged to you... so dont try giving it back. we have a no return policy here at sams club lmao. Well i hope this letter helped show you how i felt about you. how much i missed you how much i loved you. i mean really words couldnt even come close to express how i felt. itd take all the worlds geniuses to describe and thatd only be the beginning.  i know this letter is messy and bad but its raw its from the heart didnt even look over it or take time to fix it cuz its all feelings.... well bye and thanks 

and when i say felt... i think i mean feel.. idk yet... shoulda waited to write this but oh well... ohh!! i have a mixtape that went along with this letter. that i never sent to you.. so whenever i see you i shall give it to you.


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